13 Weeks 4 Days

13 Weeks and 4 Days. That's how long I got to know you. On June 25, we got the best news of our lives. We were pregnant. After 4 months of trying, we were pregnant. It seemed so fast, but it seemed so perfect. Seeing that little plus sign was everything I had ever wanted. I've always wanted to be a mom. I've always felt like I was supposed to be a mom, and now I was going to be.

The first 12 weeks of pregnancy seemed like a breeze. I hardly had any morning sickness. I was always tired and super hungry, and man did I always have to pee. All of those things were just a minor setback for a dream come true. At 11 weeks and 3 days, I heard your heartbeat for the first time, and it was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. As I laid on that exam room table with a doctor standing over me, I have never concentrated on a ceiling so hard in my life. And when he got that doppler in just the right spot, and I heard that fast little heartbeat for the first time, the tears just poured from my eyes. You were in there, and this was real. I was going to have a baby.  We were becoming a family of three.

At 12 weeks and 2 days, I experienced one of the scariest things in my life. A gush of blood. You're not supposed to bleed when you're pregnant, and I was terrified. It was a Sunday night, and unless I went to the ER, there was nothing we could do but wait. At 8 AM on Monday morning, I called the doctor thinking I had already lost you, and they were going to tell me the same. We had an ultrasound at 10 AM to see what was going on. Sitting in that waiting room, waiting for my name, I couldn't stop the tears from falling. I had lost my baby and they were going to confirm it. They took us back to the ultrasound room, squeezed that goo on my belly, and stuck that wand on me, and there you were. Your heartbeat was a strong 167 and you were rolling around and stretching all over the place. It was a miracle seeing you on that screen, healthy and perfect. The diagnosed me with a subchorionic hemorrhage, a small cut on my uterus that was discharging and causing the bleeding. You were fine and everything was going to be okay.

Over the next week, I was nervous about this hemorrhage, but tried to stay positive. The following Monday, August 14, they brought us in for a follow up and said the hemorrhage was gone. They could no longer find it on my uterus and everything was looking great. You were growing. Bigger than the last time I saw you, and moving around just as much. We were sent home with another array of baby pictures, and so much hope in our hearts because you were healthy.

That night, I don't think I slept. I was up all night passing clots and they told me it could be residual from the hemorrhage, but something didn't feel quite right. I called the doctor the next morning, and to ease my nerves, they had me come in to listen to your heartbeat again. I heard you at 10:30 that morning, and less than 30 minutes later, I lost you. I thought it was my fault. I thought I did something wrong. I couldn't even cry for my loss when it first happened. I was too shocked. Now, I thank God that I was at the doctor that day and for everything that they were able to do for me without having to go to the emergency room and have surgery. When your daddy walked in the room, I burst into tears. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I felt so lost and broken and empty. I still do. Some days it feels like it's never going to get better. I am thankful for every single day that I had with you. There was never a time when I didn't think I was going to hold you in my arms for the first time in February of 2018. The last week has been the hardest of my entire life, and I've experienced pain that I never thought was possible, but I am so grateful that God gave me you even if it was only for a little while.

I know that God has a plan. I may not understand it right now, and I may never understand it, but I know he does. I know that I am going to be a mom someday, and for 13 weeks and 4 days, and forever for me, I am your mommy. It may take a while for me to be ready, but we are planning on trying again. The doctors are positive. We conceived you naturally. You were an answer to so many prayers, and the next one will be an answer to so many more.