Strength

What does it mean to be strong? How do you know you are strong?

The more I hear that word, the worse I feel about it. After writing a message about how God is good, and being blessed with a new pregnancy, it is with a heavy heart that I have to write that a second little angel was called to heaven before their time.

As I laid on the table in the ultrasound room, waiting to see and hear this new little baby that we were bringing into the world, there is nothing to describe the absolute devastation that would follow. There was no baby. We had a gestational sac and everything was where it was supposed to be, but there was no baby, no heartbeat. Just am empty sac. To go from such hope and happiness to despair and devastation is difficult to describe. I couldn't cry. I could just sit there and wonder why this had to happen to me again.

I am not sure where to go from here. Something in my heart has told me that I am meant to be a mom, and I don't understand why that has not been allowed to happen. Maybe we will have some answers in the future, or maybe we will never know the answer. I do know that we are taking some time off and are going to be just the two of us for a little while longer. I never thought that this would be my journey, but God has other plans. I can only hope to one day appreciate them more than I do now.